I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

What three words will kill a mans ego? 'Is it in?'

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other: "I'll man the guns, you drive."

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Going to war over religion: You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.