I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Beer - helping white people dance since 1837.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

Statistics tell us that married men are likely to live 3 years longer than single men. But psychology tells us that married men are more willing to die.