Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.