You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

If Tennis Players get Tennis Elbow...Do gynecologists get Tunnel vision?

The greatest enemy of man is alcohol, but the bible tells us to love thy enemy...... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!

How hungry was the first person who opened an oyster and STILL ate it?

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."