You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Red meat is not bad for you, but fuzzy green meat is.

Fine day for a good workout. Let's steal something heavy.

Beer - helping white people dance since 1837.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Some people are like Slinkies. . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

When something good happens, you drink in order to celebrate, when something bad happens, you drink in order to forget, and when nothing happens, you drink in order to make something happen!

Genetic scientists in the US have used genes from Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzanegger to create a clone and have called it ... Michael Wasanigger.

And Jesus said to John, "Come forth and I will give you eternal life." - John came fifth, so he won a toaster.