Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Remember "I" before "E", except in Heineken.

The speed of time is one-second per second.

I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone.

If at first you don't succeed shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing; just show me somebody naked.'

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.