If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.