I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left!

Anyone know the Capital of Bulemia?

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere!

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on the son-of-a-bitch who screwed us in the past.