To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

Flashlight: a case for holding dead batteries.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

If you have them by their balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve immortality through not dying.