Marriage is an institution... but who wants to live in an institution?

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

College is like a woman: You work so hard to get in, and nine months later, you wish you had not come.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.