Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

When kleptomania gets really bad, just take something for it.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. Unless, of course, they're flying.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, bonuses and promotions.

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".