The speed of time is one-second per second.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

And Jesus said to John, "Come forth and I will give you eternal life." - John came fifth, so he won a toaster.

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

Is it possible to be totally partial?