As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

God created Man, stood back and admired what he created and said “WOW, this is a perfect creation”, then he proceeded to create woman, stood back and said “Oh well, this one will have to wear makeup”.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach him.

Always tell the truth. Then you don't have to remember anything.