I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Doing the job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

See, the problem is that God gives man a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.