My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

No woman will ever be satisfied because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that shoots out money.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere!

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.