A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don't want to get any on you.

'Hard work never killed anybody', but why take the risk...

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

Why isn't there a special name for the back of your knee?

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.