I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

Remember "I" before "E", except in Heineken.

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.