By the time a man's wife learns to understand him, she has usually stopped listening to him.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as a school child is to call your teacher Mum or Dad.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

What are the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home.

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.