On quiet nights when I'm alone, I like to run my wedding Video backwards just to watch myself walk out of church a free person!

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on the son-of-a-bitch who screwed us in the past.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

My wife is so ugly... A cannibal took one look at her and ordered salad.

Cat: The Other White Meat

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner

Bricks are horrible to carry.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.