I'm gonna live forever, or die trying.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends!

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.