The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."

Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing; just show me somebody naked.'

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.