Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Men are always whining about how we are suffocating them. Personally, I think that if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.

I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

Boldly Going Nowhere

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!