We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Flashlight: a case for holding dead batteries.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'