Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, But also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk."