Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

By the time a man's wife learns to understand him, she has usually stopped listening to him.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates... it's more like an order of Indian food. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."

Red meat is not bad for you, but fuzzy green meat is.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.