I am the same today as I was tomorrow.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!

A flat will occur when you are without a spare. This will happen after your significant other has reminded you to get one. He/She will be in the car.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.