Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Definition of pressure:.....A wife, a mistress and a mortgage all a month late.