I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.