The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
To all you virgins - thanks for nothing.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Marriage is an institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.