Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.
Statistics tell us that married men are likely to live 3 years longer than single men. But psychology tells us that married men are more willing to die.
When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading.
Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.