42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot

Men: On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

No one is listening until you fart.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.