Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

A smoking section in a restaraunt is like a peeing section in a pool.

Thank You For Pot Smoking!!

Men: On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex I woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when I realised I had made it home safely.

Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Always tell the truth. Then you don't have to remember anything.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.