When a man steals your wife,there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.