How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

I'm just another chicken having fun on the Rotisserie of life.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing; just show me somebody naked.'

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.