There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an aeroplane: Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming----wow----what a ride!!

Having someone dump you and say "We can still be friends" Is like having your mom say "Your dog died but you can still keep it"

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

On quiet nights when I'm alone, I like to run my wedding Video backwards just to watch myself walk out of church a free person!