Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Red meat is not bad for you, but fuzzy green meat is.

Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.