When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family.

Love is grand; divorce is quite a few more grand.

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

An optimist invented the aeroplane, a pessimist invented the parachute.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.