The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

If a man speaks in the forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

"Buffet". A French word that means "Get up & get it yourself!"

Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (Makes sense)