My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

An optimist invented the aeroplane, a pessimist invented the parachute.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.