I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot

How come when you first pull the drapery cord the drapes always move the wrong way?

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of a new car.

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

To all you virgins - thanks for nothing.