It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute, if they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

I'm just another chicken having fun on the Rotisserie of life.

The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name...

Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.