The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

Food has replaced sex in my life .. now I can't even get into my own pants!

Men are always whining about how we are suffocating them. Personally, I think that if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.. Then we met.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime. Give a kid a fish, it's gonna die. Have a story ready.

Boldly Going Nowhere