An optimist invented the aeroplane, a pessimist invented the parachute.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the pants.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
If at first you don't succeed shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
A bachelor is a man who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
I just new I was in big trouble at work when the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.