Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.
Love is grand; divorce is quite a few more grand.
College is like a woman: You work so hard to get in, and nine months later, you wish you had not come.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
It's a small world. So you've got to use your elbows a lot.
I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.