If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
My wife says I never listen to her...at least I think that's what she said.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Why is it that banks always make it sound like you are so lucky that they have extended your credit limit? I mean it's not like I won a prize, but more like extra bullets for my gun in a game of Russian Rolette...
When something good happens, you drink in order to celebrate, when something bad happens, you drink in order to forget, and when nothing happens, you drink in order to make something happen!
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing; just show me somebody naked.'
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.