The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
"Buffet". A French word that means "Get up & get it yourself!"
Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?
What three words will kill a mans ego? 'Is it in?'
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying 'No Hard Feelings'
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.