Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

To all you virgins - thanks for nothing.

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don't want to get any on you.