Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.

Why is it that banks always make it sound like you are so lucky that they have extended your credit limit? I mean it's not like I won a prize, but more like extra bullets for my gun in a game of Russian Rolette...

I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere...

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not discover it.