I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing; just show me somebody naked.'

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.