If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

If you have them by their balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

See, the problem is that God gives man a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

When something good happens, you drink in order to celebrate, when something bad happens, you drink in order to forget, and when nothing happens, you drink in order to make something happen!

No one is listening until you fart.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.