I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the Universe are pointed away from Earth?

This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

When a man steals your wife,there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, I could be eating a slow learner.