No one is listening until you fart.

Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

If all the veins in your body were laid end-to-end, you'd be dead.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.