Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again!

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.