Take all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

No one is listening until you break wind.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

There's two theories about arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

The worst thing about accidents, in the kitchen, is eating them.

Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.