The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

He who hesitates is probably right

Having someone dump you and say "We can still be friends" Is like having your mom say "Your dog died but you can still keep it"

They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.