It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

I am the same today as I was tomorrow.

Ham and eggs: Just a day's work for a chicken, but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere...

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?